Anyone who has ever picked up a bottle of Nantucket Nectars probably knows what's coming. While Snapple puts the cliche "Fun Facts" on their caps, Nantucket Nectars decides to step it up a notch. Why would you ever think that everyone in the whole fucking world wants to know about Nantucket? Those goddamn assholes talk about it like it's some golden land of juice and shit. I have a list of a few for examples, and why I want to send them a pile of Rosie O'Donnell's dirty underwear from family hike day in the mail for every cap they have in print.
Special thanks to Amy Deveau for typing up a fairly long list of caps she has collected, which helped a lot since I throw all my bottles in a wood chipper when I'm done. You can see her blog at http://amydeveau.blogspot.com/
-The last golf caddie camp on earth is at the Natucket Skankaty Golf Club
You don’t need a fucking camp to be a golf caddie. You know that guy who always volunteers to ride bitch instead of wrestling for shotgun? That’s him. Grab a sack and start rubbing some balls, lesson done.
-The end of Broad Street by the Steamship Authority is known as 'the strip' on Nantucket.
Who fucking calls it that? That one lady on the corner of I Make Easter Baskets For My Neighbors’ Kids Street and I Read The Local Newspaper Lane? Just because your neighbor made up some cutesy nickname for a dead end doesn’t mean the whole fucking world thinks it’s fascinating. We have an actual Vegas strip, motherfucker.
-The island of Nantucket has three zip codes.
Kansas has 73 zip codes. I fucking hate Kansas and I think it’s more interesting than you. You just lost to a desert. People eat sand there.
-Shell Street in Siasconset is too narrow for cars and bikes.
What the fuck makes you think it’s okay for you to tell me that? I’m trying to enjoy my fucking juice and you tell me there’s a part of Nantucket where cars don’t fit. I’ve got a place for you that is also too small for cars, it’s my asshole, as well as everyone else’s. Get licking.
-The Nantucket Island Fair features fierce competitions in knitting and needlepoint.
Not only are there more knitting and needlepoint competitions in the world, but got fucking damnit, who the fuck cares about the Nantucket Island Fair? You should be embarrassed. Cross your heart, hope to die, stick a needle in your eye, and don’t fucking talk to be you stupid fucking whore.
-The Old Mill on Nantucket was built in 1746 and still produces coarse-ground cornmeal.
I fucking hate corn. And what kind of name is Old Mill? Coarse grain is literally produced everywhere from places far more interesting, so maybe your coarse-grained balls would get you some more fucking attention.
-Nantucketers moving to the mainland in the 18th Century often disassembled their island homes and took them along off island.
If they move away, they aren’t Nantucketers. Do you really need to say Bitchtucket in every fucking fact? They hate your island, and it’s been downhill since the 18th century.
-The teen classic movie, 'One Crazy Summer', takes place on Nantucket.
Is it a classic because there’s a town gathering every summer where all the Nanfucketers wack off to the movie together? No one has ever watched that movie, and if they did they want to tear their eyes out and take a heaping shit on them.
-The Nantucket flag is called a burgee, a distinctively-shaped flag normally used on ships.
Fucking toy ships that you probably make and shove up in your sons’ ears. No ship would bear the Nantucket flag unless it wants to blow the fuck up.
-A native of Nantucket is called a Nantucketer.
No fucking shit. Is this a fucking fact? What makes you think this is okay?
-The 'Turkey Terrific' sandwich from Provisions on Nantucket has become an island tradition for lunch.
Probably because it’s the only fucking sandwich at the only fucking sandwich shop(pe) on your cursed island. And guess what’s in the Turkey Terrific sandwich? Fucking turkey and cheese. That was invented one day after turkeys were invented. Go bitch yourself.
-Cranberries were first cultivated on Nantucket in 1857.
Now you’re flat out trying to fucking lie to us. Nantucket was not the first place they were cultivated. So why would you fucking tell me that, and why would you stick your pinky in your vagina while you type that waste of shit on them cap?
-36% of Nantucket is protected from building development.
Protected by being too close to water, like everywhere else. Dumb bitch.
-The island of Nantucket is approximately 14 miles long.
That’s how long the pole is that I will shove up your ass and tell you that I don’t give an iron giant’s dick.
-There are no traffic lights on Nantucket.
Hmm, wow how fascinating, there’s no traffic lights? Maybe because there’s no fucking traffic!!! What the fuck, goddamn slutholes.
-There are buses, but no fixed bus route on Nantucket.
What the hell, that doesn’t make any fucking sense at all, that’s just poor organization. It’s not like the 99% of residents that are over 100 years old will be able to remember the bus route anyways.
-The highest point on Nantucket is Folger Hill. It is 109 feet above sea level.
Suck a hairy monster cock. I don’t fucking want to know what the highest point is. They probably tried to make a separate cap that says “The lowest point on Nantucket is the ground. It is 0 feet above sea level.”
-Nantucket was initially incorporated not as an island, but as a town.
Maybe cause it’s a fucking town and that’s how you fucking do shit in the world. It’s not United States of America Island where dolphins do your fucking taxes and serve you pussy sandwiches.
-Nantucket was the 3rd town in America to have a Historical District Commission.
3rd place is losing place, retards.
-When looking for a place to live, or anything else on Nantucket, the bulletin board at the Hub might be your best bet.
The same goes for every fucking building with offices in it. Do you think you’re special? You think you have the golden vagina? No, you don’t. That goes to Ellen Page. Mmmmm, I’d love to dive into her dreams.
-The first steamboat crossed Nantucket Sound to the island in 1818.
Wow, that’s such a great fact that no one gives a shit about, even the people that drove that steamboat. They hate you.
-Hundreds of whales live around the island of Nantucket.
If you mean that hundreds of whales live in the Atlantic Ocean, then no shit.
-In 1692, Nantucket was purchased for 30 English pounds and two beaver hats.
The owners are still trying to sell it back for just the hats so they can do something with their lives instead of making coarse-ground shit cakes and random fruit juice that doesn’t grow there.
-Nantucket is home to the Nantucket Film Festival, an annual event.
If you seen the name “Nantucket Film Festival”, I assume it’s on Nantucket. I don’t need a fucking bottle cap to tell me that shit. You think I’m a retard? Even retards know that shit, son.
-Nantucket is not a part of Kentucky.
Who fucking gives a flying taco, and I don’t mean the Mexican food.
-Cars were not allowed on Nantucket until 1918.
No one owned a car until 1918, after news of cars were brought to Nantucket in December the previous year.
-The oldest living Nantucket resident is given the Boston Post Cane, an award they hold until their passing.
Here, we award you this pole to fondle your saggy balls with until you stop being annoying and wetting the bed, and then we give it to the next crusty french fry on the goddamn island.
-The total land area of Nantucket makes up about 0.6% of the total land area of Massachusetts.
That’s such an impressive number! Let me put that in this tube sock with the rocks already in there and pound the shit out of your face.
-Nantucket is world-known for its sports fishing of stripers, bluefish, bonito and false albacore.
It’s not world-known. It’s only world-known cause you printed it on my fucking bottle cap and no one fucking cares.
-On March 7th, 1970, a total solar eclipse on Nantucket last 2 minutes and 6 seconds. The temperature dropped 10 degrees.
A total solar eclipse also touched a billion other spots on the earth that day and plenty of other days. Like what the fuck, this is too much.
-On Nantucket, all bicycle riders are required to wear helmets.
This is the worst cap I have ever seen. Like, what ever made them think it was fucking okay to tell me this shit. This is true for almost everywhere in the whole fucking world, and like what the fucking hell, I want to find the person that makes these and literally tear their limbs off and drown them in caps that say this. And fart on their face. Maybe leak some poop on their nose. The juice isn’t even good, it’s just pear juice that’s colored and has a bunch of sugar in it. Go away, Nanfuckit Nectars, and never ever come back. Ever. Dumb bitch.
